My Cousin

 This summer as most of you know, the kids and I went home early - 2 months early in fact. We arrived in NC April 27, to help out my Mom and Dad. I didn't know exactly why I needed to go home early, I just knew that I was meant to be there. Sometimes we don't find these things out until later right?
     I had only been home about 2 weeks when my cousin Julie called to say that she had not been feeling right and was going in for some tests and would we please pray for her. She called us back the next day to tell us that she had colon cancer that had metastasized to her liver and that it was stage 4. Julie and my other cousin (her sister) Ana were super busy and pretty much in lock-down mode at the hospital so I started googling and I was in total disbelief over what I was reading. 6 months to a year?!? How could that possibly be the reality? I remember thinking how could my beautiful cousin who is only a year older than me have that little time with us? She's a nurse, a Mom to my awesome cousin Ethan,  a sister, a daughter, a cousin, and we need her so much in every single one of those roles. There's no way she can leave us!

I figured that the things I had read so far were just worst-case scenario stuff and I kept digging but what I was finding out did not get any better. Meanwhile Julie and Ana were being told different things so I was trying to talk to them and pass on things I was finding out while trying not to erase the hope we all had that things could be different. We hoped for years. We hoped for at least the 6 months to a year that I was reading about. We really wanted Christmas at least. We got 3.5 months. Julie and my brother Tim were extremely close and had a really special relationship. She called him "Super Cousin". On September 6th, just as I was pulling up in front of our apartment in Korea after our trip home,  Tim called to tell me that Julie was gone. He held her as she went and he said it was beautiful to watch the pain and suffering disappear from her face as she left us.

 Julie was so special. She had this outlook on life that was always trying to find the way to make lemonade out of whatever lemons passed her way. She was funny, compassionate, warm, and so loving. Even in the midst of her short battle, her composure was inspiring. I can't imagine trying to get your head wrapped around what she had to come to terms with in such a short period of time. I'm still trying to figure it all out. I got to spend a day with her in mid-August and at one point we both broke down together and just cried and she told me how she wanted to stay and play some more and she expressed her hopes and fears about leaving - especially leaving Ethan. But even in that dark moment she was able to stop our tears with a funny comment and turn it into laughter.
   Julie leaves behind so many people that will miss her EVERY DAY. I look at her facebook page and each day people check in and write her messages just telling her about their lives and letting her know how much she is missed. My cousin Ana has lost her sister after going through the most horrible 3.5 months you can imagine. She nursed Julie while shuttling 3 kids to activities and somehow held it together and kept smiling. She now has the task of dealing with her own grief as she helps Ethan through his.

Look at this picture above. That was taken on Easter. It's Julie, my Aunt Donna, and Ana. Just family celebrating a holiday. That was not so long ago, and we didn't even know that Julie was sick. What she taught me this summer is this: don't wait. Don't wait to do things that you want to do in life. Don't wait to love all over the people that are important to you in life. Julie was the master of this. She loved the people in her life with her whole heart and soul.
    Don't wait to retire to enjoy yourself - you might not get there! Don't wait until the new year to start a resolution, don't wait to learn something new. These are our lives, and every single moment is precious. If you want to visit somewhere in the world go do it! If you want to go bungee jumping or learn how to make pottery call TODAY and sign yourself up.
    Because of Julie, I enjoy the little things more in life. I look at the fall leaves changing color and I don't take for granted that it's just another Fall. It may be the only Fall. So I look. And I see it for me, and I see it for her. Because she would have looked and loved every minute. I still lose my temper, but I enjoy my kids more and marvel in those little moments with them, realizing that THIS moment, Sasha age 7 and Teddy age 5, is never going to happen again. I don't get frustrated when I play my fiddle anymore. I don't think "Someday, when I'm a better player..." I'm finding something that I love about the way I play the fiddle TODAY. And most of all, I know that my genes have a menacing side. And I will get checked every three years, and I'll get polyps taken out before they become the cancer that they want to be. And I'll fight hard to make sure that Julie's is the last colon cancer that our family has to deal with.
    Jules, I love you. And I miss you. And I'm so, so grateful for what you gave all of us this summer. Ethan will always know how much he is loved. He will always hear stories about you and he will know how wonderful and amazing his mom was. You are and will always be missed.