Oh the horror of it all.....

Not everything in Korea is OK. In fact there is a horrible trend that I have been documenting for some time now and the day has come where it needs to be brought out into the open. This shameful national secret could cause Korea to lose trade agreements, and basically just decimate the hard earned respect that the Koreans have gained with the rest of the world in the last few decades. 

Here's the deal: the Koreans don't have dogs. They have tiny, overbred, poop-eating, neurotic little curs that they somehow try to pass off as dogs even though they dye their fur and put outfits on them. It's a national plague I'm telling you.

Some of you are going to think this is "cute" and some of you are going to come up with possible reasons why they feel the need to breed/purchase/dye/dress up these little freaks on a leash. If that was your knee-jerk reaction, you need to check yourself. The Koreans will not be helped by the rest of us down-playing the seriousness of the problem and giving them excuses to latch on to. They need to own it so this stops happening:

I have been taking photos for a while now, PRETENDING to like the dog in question so that I could get a photo for this expose. I wave my camera and  use a nice high pitch voice, cuz they don't understand what I'm saying anyway: "Aww, how tragic, can I snap a photo of your little freaky poop-eating dog?" and they get all excited and start nodding and babbling in Korean "Oh look, the Wegugins just love little Kimchee! I bet she wants one just like him."

 WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!

First of all, lets examine why mankind has built a relationship with domesticated dogs.

 In early years dogs worked for man by herding, guarding, or even pulling loads. Today people may have dogs (of course I'm talking about REAL dogs) for security or companionship. You can't accomplish ANY of the above goals with these screwball little clowns.

They're not going to protect you from anything and they're so darn neurotic that they may be barking because there's an intruder or they may be barking because they're upset about the metric system, or they may just be totally mental. They may snuggle you OR then may spin around and bite you in the face because they forgot who you were because their brains were never meant to fit in such small spaces and they are literally bat-shit CRAZY.

Look at the larger white dog in this picture. I'm talking about the dog that is actually approaching normal dog size. The dog that seems to know that wearing blue negligee is sick and wrong. He's like "dude, there was nothing I could do, they forced me to go out like this." His pain is palpable. The little over-bred freakshow in the foreground however has non of this awareness. I bet it sleeps on a little raised pink bed too. Craziness.

Ladies and Gentlemen THIS is a real dog:

Check him out. He's noble, loving, he's got dog pride yo, and he would never, NEVER betray the trust by biting your child in the hand like one of the freakishy small dogs did to Ryota for no reason as he was running down the sidewalk. So some of you will now say "hey, it's an Asian country, they don't have room for large dogs and a bigger dog is more expensive to feed." Baloney. If you've got enough money to send a 4 pound dog (4 POUNDS!!!) to the groomer for COLOR, and enough money to pay for the insane medical bills that these small dogs amass due to the myriad of problems brought on by overbreeding, and enough money to pay for the therapy that you're going to need after owning one of these nightmares, then you have enough money to own and maintain a real, larger dog that will eat a bit more but not create any of those other issues. 

"But what will the Koreans do with all these tiny dogs when we stage this massive intervention?" Not a problem, I've thought of that too, so glad you asked. We are going to create a brand new spectator sport that will combine gambling, adventure, thrills and suspense while restoring the economy of Central Oregon. Here's how it'll work. Instead of coloring ears and stuff, we'll spray paint a number on the side of each one of these little fluff pots. They're usually white or some other light color so the numbers should show up pretty well.

Then we'll set about 20 of the little suckers loose in Drake Park, right in the middle of Bend. Everybody puts $100 or more on the number of their choice and then the spectators get to kick back in lawn chairs with a nice pint from the Deschutes Brewery. First dog that gets picked off by a Bald Eagle or Great Horned Owl wins the pot. I mean c'mon we support the proliferation of birds of prey (they could have some awfully nice little jackets to line their nests with - BONUS!), bring a kickin' tourist base to Bend, and save the Koreans from themselves all at the same time? Win, Win, WIN!

If you, yourself have a tiny mongrel like this and you hate me right now, just think, you could be part of my pilot program! Beta testers get to join for free!